Monday, 18 January 2016

Not Perfect

This is a piece I wrote a while ago, I found it on an old piece of paper while going through some things of mine and revamped it a bit.

I can feel the panic start to flutter in my chest, the bile start to rise in the back of my throat, my head starts to spin and I feel dizzy. My eyes are focused entirely on his mouth. His lips are moving, forming words, important words, but I can't hear them. All I can think about is how much I love the shape of those lips.
I force my eyes upwards, blinking as I do so to hold back the tears that I know he does not want to see, the tears that I do not want to spill. His brown eyes aren't looking at me, they're focused on a spot on the floor in front of him, I am both relieved and not at the same time, I do not know if it would be better to meet his eyes, maybe it would be worse. Nothing could be worse than those words. The words that fell out of his mouth. The words that pierced my chest and exploded inside me.
"I don't think I love you any more."
Even running them over in my head sends a whole new wave of pain through my body and I have to fight the urge to jump at him, to throw my arms around his neck and cling to him and beg him not to go, to love me again. Somewhere at the back of my head a small voice tells me that that is the very worst thing I could possibly do at this moment in time, that is the very last thing he would want me to do. For the first time in a long time I am listening to that voice and I am not moving, except to nod occasionally as I try to listen to what he is saying now.
I know I'm not perfect, I know I've been difficult recently. I've been overemotional, stressed out, I'd go as far as to say that I've somewhat given in to a terrible routine of self pity over the past few months. I know all this, and I guess I knew all along that it wasn't good. But hearing it from him suddenly makes it all very real, horribly, sickeningly, painfully real.
I wish I could close my eyes and not be here any more. I wish I could rewind time, go back to when I first started acting up and tell myself that this was where it would lead. But I can't. I'm struggling for words. I had so many prepared earlier, but they all seem to have deserted me, fled like cowards from a raging battlefield. I close my mouth and swallow, when I open it again sounds come tumbling out, slightly too fast and only just understandable.
"At the risk of sounding cliché; I can't change the past, but I can change how I act in the future."
I groan inwardly but he is nodding. Maybe I have somehow accidentally said the right thing?
Finally he looks at me and his eyes are sad. He tells me he is sad when he thinks how happy we used to be.
I feel my heart break all over again as the tears begin to push at my eyes. I nod and whisper "I know, me too."

No comments:

Post a Comment