Monday, 28 December 2015


Sometimes I hate you. Especially when you're asleep. That’s when I hate you most I think. When you're lying there, completely oblivious. Lost in your own bliss, entirely ignorant of what I am thinking or feeling. It’s a selfish emotion of mine, this one. But I can’t help it.
I want so badly for you to care. I want you to understand what is going on in my head. But you won’t, you’re asleep. You’re lying there, all innocent, without a care in the world, happy because for you - lost in your dreamworld - nothing is wrong. But i’m not happy. I’m lying next to you, I can feel the heat of your body, I can hear your deep sleep breathing. You roll over and push me slightly farther away, pulling your arm out from beneath my neck. I lie still. Slow and silent tears slipping from my eyes and rolling languidly over my cheeks.
I hate you.
Because in this moment we can’t communicate. And even if we could what would I say? And what would you say in return? No, i’d roll over and hold my breath to stop it from jumping, at least until you were asleep, then it doesn’t matter. Then I can cry all I like because you sleep heavy and I don’t know if that’s a blessing or a curse at this rate. Because part of me would love for you to wake up and wrap your arms around me but even if you did that I still wouldn’t be able to talk to you. No, I think i’d rather you stayed asleep. But I still hate you, for being asleep, for not understanding, even though I never explained.
In this moment, I almost wish I didn’t know you. I certainly wish I didn’t know me. Stuck going round and round on this carousel inside my head. But even if I could stop time right now, even if I never had to get up or go to work or talk to anyone ever again, what would I do?
I think this is the worst kind of upset, because i’m not just sad, i’m also helpless. Helpless and lost in my own terrible nightmare. Where even my head doesn’t make sense.
I hate you. I hate your stupid face, with your eyes closed and your mouth slightly open. I don’t want to be here. But it’s two o’clock in the morning, where am I going to go now? And when I got there I would only crave the warmth of your body next to mine.
I don’t want to wake up tomorrow. Even though I’m not asleep yet.
Time is my enemy. It’s the big bad wolf, coming to eat me up. To devour me in it’s continual onward march. I wish it would stop. Because I don’t want it to be tomorrow. I don’t want to drag myself out of bed and pull myself through another day. I don’t have the energy for it. I don’t care enough anymore. What’s the point?
I certainly don’t want to reach the end of tomorrow and find myself going to sleep again, knowing that the next day i’m going to have to wake up and drive myself back to the nightmare I work in. Every day. Dragging in and out. Full of things and people that I don’t care about and don’t have the energy for. Send me to sleep and let me sleep through it all. Please.
No wonder I hate you so much. When all this is going through my head and your sleeping blissfully by my side.

I want to go to sleep. I also want to go home. But i’m not so sure where home is anymore

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